London News & Search
Who were the big winners and losers in the summer of 2017?
Nobody sits above Donald Trump on the Loser List, of course; his super-fail summer included pissing off the boy scouts, discriminating against trans soldiers, disappointing the people of Houston, lying about crowd size, sabotaging the Paris climate accord, encouraging cops to rough up suspects, firing the head of the FBI, messing up health care, rattling his sabre at North Korea, and so on and so forth.
His nearest and dearest — Ivanka, Jared, Vladimir — are also candidates for the loser list, but enough about them.
Let’s get to the rest of the summer’s big losers.
And winners too, of course.
Woods had five different drugs in his system when he was found sleeping in his car and arrested on a D.U.I. The golfer says he had been trying to treat insomnia and pain from an operation on his back. Kind of a sad fall from grace.
An actress, Linton married Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin in June and VP Mike Pence officiated at their ceremony. And that’s not even the most loserest loser part! Linton showed off her unique combo of arrogance and ignorance by posting a photo on Instagram that tagged her designer clothes — #rolandmouret pants, #hermesscarf, #tomford sunnies — and when criticized for it, she lashed out on social media, immediately alienating anyone who knows how to spot a wanker when they see one.
Kardashian and former flame Blac Chyna went through the usual public dating rituals —engagement, pregnancy, naked photos, custody battle, restraining order, etc. Cover your eyes.
Dept. of how to win friends and influence people: Avatar filmmaker/King of The World/Blowhard dead white guy James Cameron called Wonder Woman “An objectified icon,” thereby earning the contempt of movie-goers everywhere.
NEW MOVIE FRANCHISES
What was Universal thinking when it allowed The Mummy, ostensible intro to the Dark Universe, to be so obvious a bit of empire building —at the cost of storytelling?
OLD MOVIE FRANCHISES
Pirates, Planet of The Apes, Alien, Transformers — you name it, the latest instalment foundered. ‘Reliable’ franchise movies did badly enough at the box office that you’d almost think audiences were truly tired of retread ideas.
Okay, make that franchise movies not based on comics. Those ones did okay.
Why did good movies like this and Detroit stall at the box office?
Jesus loves you, Joel! Nobody else does, though. Until publicly shamed on social media, the evangelical money-grubber couldn’t be arsed to open his glitzy church to people displaced by flooding in Houston. Mosques were opened for that purpose, BTW. Even furniture store owner Jim McIngvale — AKA Mattress Mack — took in hundreds of strangers.
SCOTT BAIO AND HIS LOVELY WIFE RENEE
These two ‘Christian’ sphincters help conspiracy theorists push the lie that the Sandy Hook massacre was a hoax. Renee Baio went after the mother of a Sandy Hook victim on twitter, but that brave woman, Nelba Marquez-Greene, turned the other cheek and asked for mercy and prayer for the Baios.
That Pepsi commercial was technically in the spring, but the distinctive smell of stupid lingered across the summer months.
FLOYD MAYWEATHER AND CONOR MCGREGOR
The racist leprechaun and the wife-beater picked up millions for their carefully choreographed dance routine, at the same time proving that you can, in fact, fool all of the people all of the time, provided those people are Americans.
The new single/video: Look What You Made Me Do has already broken all streaming and viewing records, so Swift and her music have been experienced by millions of people world-wide. Success! And yet she’s still creepy.
GEORGE AND AMAL CLOONEY
Healthy twins are always a win-win.
BEYONCE AND JAY-Z
The actress wowed everyone in Aisling Walsh’s Maudie early in the summer, and reviews of The Shape of Water — the upcoming TIFF film from Guillermo del Toro — says she’s brilliant yet again.
GAME OF THRONES
Looks as if everyone on the planet has been watching this show.
An ass-kicking female led the three biggest box office hits (domestically) over the summer, those being Wonder Woman, Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and Spider-Man: Homecoming.
The actress personally donated $1 million to the Red Cross for Hurricane Harvey relief. That’s the same amount given by ExxonMobil and Dow Chemical, the cheap corporate bastards.
He also gave $1 million; his donation went to the United Way Harvey Recovery Fund.
JENNIFER LOPEZ and ALEX RODRIGUEZ
These two are winners because they finally found true love. Awww!
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